Being angry with God, and why it's pointless.

I should be finishing up my dissertation but I wanted to quickly write something, to encourage myself and anyone else who needs it.

I think we need to stop thinking that just because people can quote Bible verses or wear the right clothes or be popular that they have it all together. I think we need to start realising that everyone is broken, and everyone has their trials, and that everyone's heart has been torn to shreds countless times.

I am not alone in my brokenness and I can be fixed, but only by Jesus, and no matter how much I run from that it doesn't make it any less true. Being angry with Him won't make life any easier, yelling at Him won't piece my heart back together.

I'm surrounded by some amazing people, and a lot of them have prayed for me over the past week, and without that prayer I might be in a far worse place than I am now. Fellowship (and if that word scares you lets just call it friendship or community) is the best thing in the world and I know that if I was in the same position as I am now, a year ago, things wouldn't quite be going the way they are today.

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Personal Effort, and Why It's Useless.

I've said this before and I'll say it again: being a Christian is not about our own efforts.

I frequently mess up and do things that I know break God's heart. I say I'll never do something again and then, oh, so easily, I slip up and everything once again comes crashing down on top of me.

But today it was different.

After some crying, praying, and general being annoyed at myself it hit me that it isn't about me. It never has been, not even a little bit. I'm struggling with something at the minute, something I'm not ready to share with the world but, after having discussed it with a friend last week I was on such a "God high". I was so ready to be this perfect, sorted person again, someone who had no problems and was just in a great place with God, completely forgetting, of course, that as long as I live in this human skin I'll never be "perfect" or "sorted".

But, as the week went on, I gradually spent less time with God each day which has led me to messing up again today.

But I can only be annoyed with myself for so long. Forgiveness isn't a "get out of jail free" card; God sent his Son to die for me on a cross so I could be forgiven. If I think that's getting out free then I'm crazy.

Making mistakes doesn't make me any less of a person. I'm still covered in God's fingerprints, still made in His image, and nothing will ever change that. He still loves me and will continue to grow me until I finish the race.

The first thing I opened my Bible to after I'd messed up was this:
1 John 4:16-18
"God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment." (NIV)

I think we forget that all that matters, the one thing that can truely change us, is the love of God. Without His love we are nothing, we were made out of love. If it wasn't for Him we wouldn't know how to love (1 John 4:19). He loves me through all my mistakes, all my screw ups, all my mishaps, and all the times I mess up. I am His creation and the outward actions aren't important; my heart is what matters to Him.

I want to spend more time with God, on a daily basis. And not because I want to act out what I think my heart should be doing, but because I know I need Him more than ever. Without Him I become weak and weary and stop caring about the things that need to be important to me. I'd appreciate any prayers that I can remain strong in the Lord, and that I can put on His armour every day (Ephesians 6:10-18).

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Sunday, and Why We Have Hope

I've just come home from my church's sunrise service on Yellowhill in Stirling; it was a beautiful way to start off Easter Sunday, and it's the first sunrise service I've ever been to. After the service we went back to the church and sat down together to eat bacon rolls and drink juice, tea, and coffee.

I really felt like part of a great community this morning. I felt welcome and loved; I felt like an important part of the Body of Christ and, praise Jesus, that's exactly what I am. I hope that on this Easter Sunday everyone can feel like part of a family, even if that isn't a church family, and for those who don't I hope and pray that God will bring that to you.

However, on the way home, at around 8:00 am, we drove past a girl who was doing what is known as "the walk of shame". She was wearing what I can only assume were last nights clothes and was carrying her shoes; but this wasn't the saddest part. The saddest part was that this girl looked completely heart broken. And I'm not making that up or over emphasising it for some sort of dramatic affect; she genuinely looked incredibly upset as we drove past and she continued to slowly amble on home.

For a long time in my life I felt insignificant. I felt small and alone and like not a single soul in the world cared about me or thought I was worth anything. Last night I was browsing through some photos that a friend had taken on a recent trip to San Francisco and there were some amazing snaps of the Golden Gate Bridge. Suddenly it hit me that even though this bridge is absolutely enormous, in the eyes of Jesus, God, the Creator of the Universe, I am immeasurably more significant than the Golden Gate Bridge will ever be. I am more significant to the Lord than any of these grand statements made by man, I'm more significant than the beasts of the field and the birds of the air that He Himself created.

Jesus died on the cross for all of us, so that we could all understand how significant we are to God. He didn't come for the righteous, those above their station, the strong, the mighty; as it says in the Beatitudes, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" (Matt. 5:3), "Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth, blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. " (Matt. 5:5-6). 

And, as Luke puts it perfectly:
"For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost." (Luke 19:10)

However, to return to the girl I talked about above, I think it's easy to just drive past people like this and make sweeping judgements. But I used to drink and party on a regular basis. Fortunately I never did "the walk of shame", I never went home with a guy, but what if I had? Would that mean Jesus would love me any less, would He be angry with me, would He feel less forgiving? No. Not at all. In fact it would break His heart to have seen me in that situation, to be looking for affection and love in one of many places where I would never find it. It would break His heart because He loved me so much that He died for me, and proved to death that even it wasn't strong enough to stand in His way.

My Lord is stronger than death, His love is stronger than any I could find any where else, so why would I try and find that in anything but Him?

These days I sometimes sit and think about how lucky I am to know Jesus, to have chosen to follow Him and allow Him to take control of my life. I have never felt so safe, so worry free, so content. I have my struggles, yes, life as a Christian isn't life lived through rose-tinted glasses, but I always have Jesus to help me, to carry me through the tough times. I was once blind, but now I see, I see what the world is longing for, in fact I have what the world is longing for, because God has given me the ability to have faith in Him; He has given me so many reasons to believe and I'll never stop.

So on this Easter Sunday I hope you can realise your significance. You are loved, you are important, you are more than enough, the Creator of this Universe, our God, the Lord Jesus Christ, wants you to know that.

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Sunrise over the Ochils on Easter Sunday morning at Yellow Hill, Stirling, Scotland.

Much Needed Grace//"There's nothing greater than knowing You."

I'll admit it, I'm a bit of a nature nerd. But, out of all of God's beautiful creation, I love animals most, and right now there's a Squirrel that keeps scampering past my open window, considering hopping into next door's bin to find breakfast. God keeps doing this recently, showing me things in His creation that make my heart happy. Last week, when I was still living alone, I left the library early to ensure I didn't have to walk home in the dark, and I saw one of the most beautiful sun sets I've ever seen.

For a little while I've been finding myself feeling distant from God, getting disctracted by mundane, everyday things and putting everything before Him, and I started to notice my heart was getting a little heavy. But, rather than becoming anti-social and sad about it like I did last semester, I decided to do the opposite. First of all, I stopped trying to make things better. God doesn't work like that, it's about Him, not our abilities. So I stopped pushing myself to read my Bible and pray and just told Him I needed him to fix it, because I couldn't. Human instinct tells us to sort our lives out, to always be in control; God doesn't. I'm not saying you should never read your Bible or pray, but sometimes it's okay to sit back and tell God we're too weak to do anything, because we might say "I'm a strong, independent human, I can do this!", but He says "you're only human, let me handle this."

Exodus 14:14 puts it perfectly:
"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

Even if I hadn't called out to the Lord and asked Him to help me He still would've done it, He still would've carried me because He knows what I need, even when I'm too afraid to say it. He fights for us, we don't need to do anything.

In addition to letting God take over, I went to CU last night. The speaker, Phil, talked about our need for grace, and how much we don't realise we need it anymore. Strangely, this had been something I was thinking about recently. I'd been trying to figure out what my heart was feeling and last night's talk put it into words perfectly. I had forgotten how much I needed grace, how much I needed the love and forgiveness of Jesus. I'd forgotten what the cross really means for me; that Jesus died on that cross for all mankind in the same way that He would've died if it had just been for me alone. That is how much He loves us.

So, friends, don't push yourselves. Don't make God seem mundane and boring. Don't try to search for Him when you're lost, just let Him find you, because He knows where we are even when we don't.

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